"What happens when you focus on the kind of person you want to be?" reads our Blog tagline. A central reason for leaving our life "as it was." Perhaps then, I am just not focussing enough, because I am certainly not being a better person here.
As someone who battles with perfectionism, it is true that I do not like feeling out of my element. And yes, here I am entirely out of my element - can't speak the language, can't connect with people, can't be certain of much.
That is Good For Me though, isn't it? I feel I need practice at not being good at things and not feeling settled. Can't control everything! Have to just DEAL!
I felt that Better Person building, gaining momentum, thriving even, when we were in New Zealand, and then I felt it start slipping away in Tasmania. Now, since arriving in Buenos Aires, I have continued to be entirely out of whack with myself, with Keir, and with the city as well.
It is true this is the largest city we have been in since January (I'm not a lover of big cities and masses of people) and that we've thrown in a language barrier to boot. Regardless of the reasons, I am grouchy and my brow seems perpetually furrowed. It is true that I am concentrating hard on everything around me and I am reluctant to let my guard down for even a moment, however I'm am entirely fed up with my attitude. As the saying goes, I am in need of "bucking up my ideas".
Which, every night I remind myself, will happen. "Tomorrow is a whole new day," I repeat ad naseum. The next day, however, I wake irritable, critical and grouchy all over again, angry at myself for feeling so negative. There seems to be a small feedback loop running: I feel negative, then feel negative about feeling negative, thus feeling more negative on the whole.
That's a lot of negative!
The bottom line is that I have no patience for myself in this regard. I don't mind having a bad day here or there, but really, this is excessive! I have no "good reason" for being so withdrawn, I tell myself. Although, having to leave my job under duress was not a "good enough" reason for me either. Feeling as I do now, I am reminded of how difficult THAT period of time was. Not just because of the situation, but at my reaction to the situation as well. It was a daily battle of being upset with myself for how long it was taking me to "get over it" and "just move on".
I have a strong feeling that if I could just release some of my expectations for myself then I would be able to relax the judgements on myself a bit. How to do that remains a bit of a "chicken and egg" dilemma to me.
How does one "turn off" that, sometimes...maybe even always, relentless internal voice? Is it training (or re-training)? Finally getting fed up enough? Distraction?
And it makes me wonder, does everyone have that voice?
Catching up on your last few posts - and this one's sitting here with no replies. Well beware, because I have Opinions!
ReplyDeleteThe path is never straight. Getting exhausted and grouchy and irritable means you are doing it right. That's part of what change is supposed to feel like. The awesome days are part of it too, all the same process.
So, what do I reckon? Forgive yourself for grumpy days and attitude failures and wanting to go home. They're real and they tell you important stuff about who you are, but they are just one part of the whole picture. See if you can get the internal voice to try out that perspective.
(Also, grumpy days are a good excuse to buy extra tasty treats. And tasty treats are one of the best bits about travelling, so, yum!)
Anyway, this post is a bit old now so hopefully you're having a great time again. When we cross paths again (some day!) I'd love to sit down and chat about how this big shift turns out for you. Keep at it!
Kia kaha
Morgan