I'm not sure that the past two years have indeed been "good for me". If that sounds a bit as though I'm taking medicine, well, it has felt a bit like that.
All the change, the trauma and the unrest that has risen up over the past two years is "good for me", is what I continually tell myself. "It is letting me grow", I say, "I will be a better person for this". But in honesty, I'm not certain that it is — or that I will.
In fact, I feel as though it has been my undoing (Keir posits that "undoing" may be the quintessential word and that by all the "undoing" — that is to say the stripping down of past patterns and routinized ways of being — that that is what I most need this time for).
Overwhelmingly, I feel hazy though. My mind is often clear. Clear as in empty. I can't say I have many new or interesting thoughts (or any thoughts at all). I worry that, in this "time off", I am growing dull, lazy, and uninspired. I worry that I am losing my edge - my sharpness. I fear that I'm turning blurry.
I used to thrive on thinking and synthesizing information and experiences. I just think I'm supremely boring now. Will I ever have a new thought again? In my optimistic moments I think that I may be in a kind of "personality plateau" and that, once through it, I will burst forth from this time with renewed vigor and vision (oh the excitement!!).
It is entirely possible though that I will just be doomed to live my life out as a boring bland humdrum.
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