What's changed?

When Keir and I were paddling across Savusavu's expansive bay he asked me: "Has anything shifted for you so far?"

Ahhh, The Shift.... the reason why we embarked on the journey we did. To Shift from the Then to the Now. To shift from what was to what is.

Yes. I have noticed a Shift already. The most important being the freeing from the unhealthy work environment that we were both part of (or as we refer to it as, "THAT Place"). The minute the clock struck midnight on January 1, 2011 and Keir had no more ties to It, there was a switch that flipped in me. It was truly that easy. I did not have to be a buffer for the emotional nonsense pile that Keir brought home daily, I did not have to worry about his professional, his physical, or his emotional safety when he was there, and I did not have to think about all those people, the ones that had so easily turned a blind eye to the harassment and to the wrongdoing... to those who had so easily turned their blind eye towards us.

For the first time in the five years that this ordeal has been plaguing us, there was a respite. It. Was. Over. So over.

All our best supports had said that at some point there would come a time when the experience went from being Up Close to being able to be viewed through the lens of Distance. That time has come.

That Place went from taking up roughly 70-80% (despite my best intentions to not let it) of my head space (daily) to taking up barely a % now. Really. It completely completely dissolved. There is a space that is made free.

Still, I wonder though, how did I let it happen? A strong independent go-getter with a clear sense of right and wrong. How had I stayed in a place that bred unhealthiness, that breathed nastiness like air?

A large part of the "professional" culture there is that you are taught to think that no one anywhere will ever want you again. You are taught (simultaneously) that you are marvellous and Not Enough. Folks who have, in some way, grown up with the feeling of Do More, Be Better seem to gravitate to That Place. And it sucks them dry. It takes and takes and takes. If you can turn that blind eye, you are somewhat freed. But are you?

You do not choose to leave That Place. No one CHOOSES to leave. You are either fired (or pushed out), or you retire. That is it. That Place does not like it when someone breaks up with them. The person who does the breaking up is quickly made into the enemy. It doesn't compute to them - why would you leave? On the inside, you are told (overtly and not), that the biggest mistake you could ever make is to leave. The story of the one person leaving voluntarily only to realize her mistake and return, tail between her legs, with stories of The Horrid Outside is told and retold. This is what will happen to you if you leave....except....we may it be so forgiving, in fact, may never let you back in. The message is clear: don't test us.

I was not who I wanted to be there. So much energy went into working. I became work - it was WHO I WAS. And for a time it was ALL I was. It became the coping strategy. If I could focus on being a teacher then I could ignore what was happening to me in the professional environment. I truly did try though - I really did believe that if I could model appropriate professional behaviour (especially when dealing with the harrasser) that the situation would improve. I truly did believe that my principal was going to support me and know how to put a stop to what was happening. I truly believed that by loving what it was that I did and focussing on my time with the students that it would outweigh the emotional minefield that had to be encountered daily. And, when I lost that (when I left), I struggled mightily for some time trying to figure out what was left of ME.

I'm still confused as to what it is that "will come next". But I am healthier again. My "Jenn spark" seems to be returning. I have a sense of humor again. The gripping tightness that had my heart in such a vice for those 5 long years has eased off. Like Keir has said, the jar lid is loosening.

Although I know that I was a very talented educator, I still am not able to imagine myself in a classroom or part of another educational community. So, the struggle remains, "what DO I want to do then?" This entire experience has been a test of my faith in that respect. I had always pushed myself to "make things happen". What if I didn't do that though, I wondered? What if, instead, I just waited to see what came along?

That has been the largest challenge in this letting go. Some days I feel as though I am truly released and open to what comes (and confident that something WILL come). Other days I have a real panic rise up in me - a voice that says "you ninny, you have to MAKE it happen, jobs just don't drop from the sky - no matter if you are talented and capable or not". Some days I don't even feel talented and capable. Like the tides, my faith-o-meter rises and falls.

Now, with the gift of distance, I can see that it all alright...that it is going to be alright. I am now able to refer to the people there without flinching. I remember the things that I loved when I first started....the magic and the feeling of being part of something truly meaningful. The bad things are still there inside me, but there is no strength to the voice now. They are still there. Just anecdotally. They are not who I am, just part of something that once was.

And for the first time since leaving the city, I have hope that Keir and I WILL find our place.








Note from the author: Yeah, sorry about all the things in quotations and the bolded words...if I could use italics on the blog that all would be minimized. Then again, those of you who know me well know that I DO speak emphatically! Tee hee.